


the rule of grief

by fereldandoglords



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Earthborn (Mass Effect), Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Other, War Hero (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 19:21:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12711336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fereldandoglords/pseuds/fereldandoglords
Summary: This idea wouldn't leave my head until I wrote it down.The first night after losing Ashley in Virmire.





	the rule of grief

_Guilt, guilt, guilt._

Celeste Shepard twists and turns in her bed – it’s one of the most comfortable beds she ever been in, she briefly muses to herself. But it doesn’t feel right. _Nothing_ feels right, not after today.

Not after this Virmire fiasco.

She knew this day would come, eventually. She didn’t know it would be this soon.

Shepard hears Ashley’s final words to her over and over again.

_I don’t regret a thing._

Celeste thinks she hasn’t regretted a thing more than the choice she had to do.

She retraces every step taken – and the conclusion is always the same. There was no way to save them both.

The sense of injustice is overwhelming. Earlier, she remembers praying silently, just to herself. As they fought their way through, struggling to get the mission done, she prayed – for herself, for her crew. She prayed for everything to go smoothly.

As the keeps twisting and turning, unable to rest, she keeps thinking: _could I have done something differently?_

And the answer, the cold unforgiving answer, is always a solid _no_.

The loss of a soldier was always painful, but the loss of a friend…

She hears a knock on the door, followed by a beep of her omni-tool.

_Shepard, it’s Tali. Are you awake?_

Celeste grunts and gets up. She stretches as she makes her way to the sliding doors.

On the other side of the door, Tali stands, twisting her hands together.

‘Hey,’ Celeste greets the quarian, stepping aside to let her in. ‘Come in.’

‘Thanks, Shepard,’ Tali nods, visibly grateful. ‘I… couldn’t sleep.’

‘That makes two of us,’ Celeste replies. ‘I don’t think it’s going to happen tonight.’ She gestures for Tali to join her on the sofa.

‘I… wanted to make sure you were okay, actually,’ Tali says, twisting her hands together again, her head low. ‘I don’t want to overstep my boundaries and…’

Celeste immediately shakes her head.

‘No, you’re fine,’ she reassures, ‘I appreciate the company.’

‘I saw the LT on the way here,’ Tali blurts out.

Celeste’s heart skips a beat at the mention of Kaidan. She feels uncomfortable – after the mission briefing, she remembers yelling and storming out after Kaidan said she had made the wrong choice.

_There’s no fucking ‘right’ choice, Alenko! D’you think any of this was easy for me?_

Her fists hang by her side, glowing blue, and she was out of his sight. She hasn’t left her quarters since.

‘Oh,’ Celeste says, noncommittally.

Tali probably remembers the exchange as well as she does.

‘I’m sorry, Shepard,’ Tali starts, ‘I know how important Ashley was to you. My condolences.’

Celeste sighs – she suddenly feels exhausted. She’s crashing – this has been one of the hardest days in her military career so far – and she knows tomorrow is not going to feel any easier.

It has to get worse before it gets better. That’s the unwritten rule of grief.

‘Thanks, Tali,’ Celeste replies. And she means it. ‘I’m glad you stopped by.’

No matter how hard it would get, she realised she could count on her friends. On her family.

There are going to be many nights like this one – she knows. Many sleepless nights, many nights filled with guilt. Many nights thinking about what ifs and whys.

But it will be okay.


End file.
